You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize