Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
