It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize