Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
