I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
