The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
