I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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