It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize