I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
