He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
