She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
