There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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