I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize