I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He had one of those small greek statue penises
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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