I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
