Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
