Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
40s are totally the cure
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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