I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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