the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize