I think I died a long time ago.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
