Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize