this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
