I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I want her autograph on my taint
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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