I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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