Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
