pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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