I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
