woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
