The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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