Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
