Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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