my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
