I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
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