bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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