Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
