it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize