i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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