Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
