i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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