Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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