i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
