I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
