I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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