it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
