Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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