Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
