Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
