Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize