I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
