My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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