My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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