Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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