I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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