Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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