a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize