hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
