my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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