I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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