her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
