MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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