What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize