My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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