I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
